i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
