the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
