At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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