I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
