i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
