I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
this boner is exhausting
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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