Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
