A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
