I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
