I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
