Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
