someone threw a dead crab at me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize