life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
