i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
God, I missed his penis.
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