Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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