I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
false alarm. still invincible.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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