at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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