Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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