Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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