U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
