Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
