i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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