the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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