I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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