Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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