I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
