if i can run in heels then i can drive
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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