I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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