im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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