So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
