He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize