never play flip cup with pint glasses
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
