Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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