my phone needs a breathalizer
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
