He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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