At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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