I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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