Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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