you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
