i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
