Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
