had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
