I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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