I got chris browned last night
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
