im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I need moral support for this bender
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
