Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
