for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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