Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
