I think my fart just growled at me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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