come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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