when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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