Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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