Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
