I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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