I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
