On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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