I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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