I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
