I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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