Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
