I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
