I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm getting married
To pizza
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
