would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize