I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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