Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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