Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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