upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
