my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
